Warning: this article contains too many parentheses. They're my guilty pleasure.
What's new in the world of film? (Spoiler: there isn't much.) Well, let's take a look at some 'randomly' selected 'things' that have happened today (or yesterday). Or generally over the last week, that you might have missed. Yes, 'things' are still 'happening', despite the entire world being locked up. You just can't stop entertainment, it seems.
THE SONY SPIDER-MAN UNIVERSE GETS A NAME
Well, it got two in quick succession. First of all, Sony (who have decided that 'a name' might be a good idea for this cinematic universe) tweeted the following:
'Spider-Man Universe of Characters'. Hmm. Catchy. Well, IGN decided to go and have a bit of a dig, and were told by Sony that - in actual fact - the name for the 'universe' is... the 'Sony Pictures Universe of Marvel Characters'. Intriguing. Even catchier, I must sarcastically add. With Sony pushing out more Marvel characters they were bound to come up with something like this, but - honestly - the name could do with some work. In the words of my mysterious, mentor Guru: less is more.
MORE STEPHEN KING IS ON THE WAY
With the fairly recent successes of the IT remakes, it was only a matter of time before another Stephen King book was snapped up for the movie treatment. This time, Deadline were the ones to exclusively announce that King's 1999 novella The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon is up for the chop and hack process that'll take it to the big screen. I have to admit, I wasn't aware of the novella myself, but I'm sure many a King aficionado will be beside themselves with excitement. The story is suitably peculiar - a pre-teen girl gets lost on the Appalachian trail, with only her Walkman for company. A Walkman, for those who are of the current era, was a little boxy thing with headphones that you could listen to cassette tapes on. Or listen to the radio, which was cool. Anyway she listens to baseball games on it, because she's a massive fan of Tom Gordon, who's a Red Sox pitcher: whatever the devil that is. She begins to - well, just look at the title. So, while her young, impressionable mind is developing feelings for Gordon, she realises that she might not be completely alone in the forest... which is where - you guessed it - the paranormal side comes in. The project is being overseen by Village Roadshow - optioned, if you will - with George Romero's wife taking on a producing role. Romero, you'll recall, was behind the brilliant and iconic Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead, as well as others that didn't quite hit the mark but were still good fun. No idea when this movie will hit theatres, but it's worth keeping an eye on.
AND IT'S NOT JUST KING THAT'S ON THE WAY... IT'S THE, ER, LIONSGATE ... KING
Nope. Other films (well, not the films themselves, but the people behind them, aka Lionsgate, in this case) are lining up to tell us what's what. This time - with possible release dates! First of all we have John Wick: Chapter 4 - originally slated for 2021 - which has been pushed back - gasp - a whole year to May 27th, 2022. Still, at least it'll arrive at some stage. Then we have the next chapter in the Saw franchise, Spiral - which was meant to come out in October but will now be horrifying theatre goers on May 21st, 2021. Should be interesting - Chris Rock is the lead. Saw and Chris Rock? What a combination. The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard (catchy) has been pushed back, similarly, a whole year to August 2021, so you'll need to wait a while for your Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson kick. There are another bunch of Lionsgate movies facing delays but in good news Chaos Walking (with Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley) is still coming out in January. Which is good, because the anticipation level for that particular movie is rather high. Finally, I must admit that the sub-heading for this section is probably the worst thing I've ever written in my life.
THANK YOU... THANK YOU VERY MUCH
The Star Wars Skywalker Saga (SWSS if you're feeling lazy) may be officially over, but some art 'types' decided to (or were paid to) come up with rather a nifty looking Saga Poster type of deal. So we thought we'd share that with you, since it happened recently and we love Star Wars, despite the fact its taken on the visage of a desiccated horse, still being flogged in its - uh - horse coffin. (That's enough - Ed.) ANYWAY here's the poster, and I'm going to try (going forward) to write this piece in a much safer, much more bland PR manner. Because my writing is absolutely going haywire today.
Isn't that nice. Yes, we thought it was newsworthy. (Come on - we're in the middle of a lockdown. Do you know what trying to do a news roundup is like? Quit your smart talk and have a cup of tea or something.)
SO... WHEN WILL HOLLYWOOD RE-OPEN AND MAKE THIS NEWS WRITING LARK EASIER?
That's the sixty five quadrillion dollar (pound - Ed) question ladies and gentlemen. Because there's not much to go on here, unless you want me digging up snarky hit pieces and rewriting them a bit. You know, such and such said this, so and so said this in return. Or, as Steven Barry said to me on the 'phone - misleading readers with headlines about something that clearly didn't happen, which you (our sole, cherished reader) would immediately take us to task for in the comments (if we ever, indeed, got any). Anyway, back to the question:
SO... WHEN WILL HOLLYWOOD RE-OPEN AND MAKE THIS NEWS WRITING LARK EASIER?
Yes, that's right. The Hollywood Reporter would seem to be the place to check, you'd think. And it was! Because they are talking about it, in the catchily titled opus 'As Hollywood Maps Out Its Return, New On-Set Protocols Take Center Stage'. Well, let's dig into this shall we, because we can make it all a bit snappier. Basically, Los Angeles health officials are concerned that folk working on movies will catch Covid-19 while on set, which is entirely reasonable I suppose. After all, that's why the lockdown is in place. So they're having meetings about it. There's talk of smaller, less complex productions being allowed to go forward first of all. Folk will be tested, sets will be sealed off safely etc. Sadly the article doesn't offer much in the way of predictions but we must salute them for that, because it is not clickbait. So well done Hollywood Reporter.
THAT'LL DO
We absolutely promise that these roundups will be more interesting going forward. If it takes us banding together and finding the cure for Covid-19 ourselves, we'll do it. All right maybe not, but we'll really try and find something for you. Anyway - for now - take care, and try not to be too bored. Remember: if things were normal, you'd be loving all this time off sitting around in your boxers eating processed corn snacks.